Psychic Powers

Ah, Psychic Powers. The daydream of every middle class American that becomes too restless at work. Your boss requests a file and then yells at you for not making the margins 1.2 despite his never telling you to do so. You mentally retort "What do you think I am, a mind reader?" Ten minutes later you're being ushered out of his office because you've drifted off in thought about the different ways that you could use your powers for personal benefit, starting with forcing him to give you a raise and ending smeared in blood and pancakes after waking up from a blackout that you'll never full be able to explain or comprehend.

Psychic ability has a rich history of being part of every civilization known to man ever. Really, look it up. The word itself is Greek in origin, but the idea of the psychic has been around since time immemorial (I really just wanted to use that phrase). Considering in some included aspects of psychic ability include astrology and determining if somebody is sick, this is probably less impressive than one would think.

Of course, when we think of "psychic powers" we think of things like the X-men. Nobody cares if you can make guesses while looking at the stars or if you can accurately predict that I'm going to die in a week because science hasn't progressed far enough to treat my bear wounds, but we sure as hell care about the ability to steal thoughts, move things with our thoughts, predict the future, and blow shit up with our minds.

Woman, I predict that if you don't get me my scotch that I will psychically bitch slap you so hard your bra will come off. None of that mental backtalk, either. We've had enough movies, comic books, and comic book movies to ensure us that there is a definitively awesome side about psychic powers, much like cinema showed us the way that an explosion can really brighten up any decor. Unfortunately, there are always gypsies and Sylvia Brown to remind us of the more boring aspects of the psychic world, like tarot cards, crystal balls, and reuniting families with their lost loved ones.

The hands on aspect of this review didn't go so well. I've spent many walks attempting to read people's thoughts or trying to psychically command them, as I'm sure anyone as crazy as I am has (Turn around if you can hear my voice. Okay don't. Reach for that donut if you can hear me. That's not the donut I meant, I meant the other one! No you don't even care! Augh!). Along the same lines, inducing head explosions was met with similar results. I did try to move some things telekinetically, starting small with a pencil. After grunting at it and twitching for about an hour with no response but some weird hallucinations about Tom Cruise, I gave up with nothing gained but disappointment and some indigestion.

You're right, Tom, you were the greatest samurai ever! And you're so handsome, too!

Psychic powers are something that are half awesome, half mundane, with more grounds in the mundane and no proof in the other half. As much as I'd like to believe in it, it just ain't happening. They get a 5/10 for not living up to their potential.

Although if anybody can start me on fire with their mind, feel free to do so and that score will rocket up a few points.