Bathrobe

Ah, the bathrobe. An article of clothing adorned by everyone from playboys to mostly nude old men at least since the advent of the newspaper. It has served us well through the generations, and continues to do so to this day.

The bathrobe is a versatile article of clothing, and as such does not always need to be worn immediately after taking a bath. It can be worn after waking up, after a vigorous session of baking, or even as a normal article of clothing, though only if you are an escapee from a mental hospital, traveling the universe with a man named after a car, or both. Bathrobes are designed for comfort, and with all such products the more expensive ones tend to be quite a bit more comfortable. The cheaper end of the spectrum tend to wear like either starched paper for the thinner models, or like a coat made of cat scratching posts for the budget version of terrycloth.

The usage of a bathrobe, or smoking jacket (the only difference internet searches have brought up is that bathrobes are designed to be worn otherwise nude, but I'm sure one could do the same thing with a smoking jacket) is either to cover one's modesty, or simply as loungewear. Some bathrobes contain pockets, in case you feel that it is appropriate outdoors wear and decide to run your errands with nothing but a loosely tied robe to cover your shame.

Oh I'm just on my way to the store to pick up some donuts. Why yes, this is my bathrobe!

As it stands, the bathrobe is a functional, but essentially superfluous piece of the wardrobe. It's underrated in one's youth and seems to become almost essential the older someone gets for reasons unknown, but it never seems to serve any real purpose aside from opening the door to collect the mail without being outside in your skivvies. Allegedly they're also used at spas, but considering I'm too poor to have ever been to one of those, this may just be part of an elaborate fantasy constructed in my own head as I stretched awkwardly backwards in an attempt to give myself a backrub and dreamt of a day when things would be better than that, and some nubile young girl would instead be giving me a rubdown.

Picture removed for various violations.

On the other hand, the bathrobe does get some cool points for its appearance of the manliest of real sports, boxing. It's well known that boxers enter the ring punching and biting at random extremities whilst wearing a light robe that they throw off last second in a show of manliness and an attempt to shock you into thinking that they are larger than you had thought they were while they were hunched under the robe. This technique works equally well against children. Speaking of whom, the other cool factor involves this being the only article of clothing that let you pretend to be a Jedi a long time ago in a bedroom probably upstairs from the basement you live in now.

The bathrobe is a purely superfluous garment, but as with most things, superfluous tends to be equatable to luxury, and even the poorest of men realize that anything that allows you to sit around almost naked for most of the day is truly luxurious. It's difficult to look down on such a pimptastic product, but I'll be damned if I didn't try. The bathrobe gets a pantsless 7 /10.

One more for the road

Soft Drink Bottles

The soft drink bottle is a most useful invention. Heralded as the god Contanus by the Babylonians, it has been in use since at least the 1800's. It saw its usage in World War II as an indispensable close quarters combat multi-functioning weapon. After the war it starred in several movies and then settled down with its wife and three kids to a quit house in the valley.

So I sort of phoned the history lesson in there, but I've used enough bottles to accurately review them, so let's get down to business.

Soft drink bottles come in an assortment of shapes and sizes. Some are economically flat, and some are ribbed for her pleasure, while others will be in gimmicky shapes or contoured to fit better in one's hand. For some unexplainable reason, most brands keep a consistent bottle opening width with the exception of the 1 liter bottle. Some 1 liter bottles are wide open enough to drop two or more hamsters straight into the opening, with little to no shoving involved. It would be a nice improvement for other bottles to utilize this size, as it would eliminate the suction problem for those not skilled in drinking from bottles.

Bottle anatomy. Because I know you've never seen one before.

This is a serious issue that is oft ignored. Some people have a bottle-drinking-from handicap. The majority of us know that one can simply tip and sip the contents of a bottle, but those select few will wrap their mouths around the opening and suck like an infant, extracting all the sweet nectar from inside the container. This causes the sides of the container to contract and create a suction effect with the individual's mouth, causing a need for it to be released afterward, with a slight chance of expelling some of the bottle's contents in various directions; occasionally they will fly into the person's eyes. Also, this makes disgusting noises and is loud, so people should really stop doing that.

Soft drinks bottles have numerous uses, which range from refreshment to entertainment toward biodome. They are capable of housing any number of things that can fit through the mouth; from soft drinks, to marbles, to pond water saturated with tadpoles. The uses go beyond merely holding things, though. With a small spiral plastic attachement and TWO bottles, one can make a scale representation of a twister that can be seen as the water drains through the contraption! Empty bottles may also be beaten rhythmically against things to create musical concertos that will leave your friends and relatives speechless in awe.

And finally, like any great invention, bottles can legitimately be used as a weapon. Beating someone with an empty bottle is somewhat pointless, but a full one may hold some heft to it, especially if the contents are aforementioned marbles or a carbonated beverage. If you still live in the 1960's, you could simply break your glass bottle over a table and use it as a stabbing implement. If you do not have access to old fashioned bottles, however, grip the bottle firmly in hand and strike your foe in or around the temple with the bottle cap. It's guaranteed that they'll be down for the count. Be sure to remember this the next time your friend that always brags about the knife they carry is left frozen in terror during your routine Thursday night being mugged.

With many (see: several) uses and designs, and widespread popularity, the soft drink bottle is one thing you don't want to be left without. Due to its potential to annoy, it'd seem like that would bump it up a few notches. Unfortunately, annoying things tend to be a double edged sword, and the potential to be used against you is a detractor to the overall score.

Walking the Box gives it an 8.....out of 10. Said in the voice of Adam Sessler.